Me and myself: Lies, shortcuts and truths

How do life shape up? Our hands? Not physically though. Then how?

It's our decisions. The decisions we make with out conditions and situations that we have to deal with. I couldn't escape my faith so even I had to deal with it. Sometimes even alone.

Throughout my life I have been a man who has learnt from his mistakes. Always striving towards being the perfect man. For me, for everyone who felt awkward talking to a person who lacks the appropriate social skills.

Very early in my life I had made a valuable mistake. As far as I remember, it dates back to class 3.

I being a kid used to be greatly fond of video games. I didn't have one for myself like my neighbourhood kids did, (and I used to feel my parents don't love me like their parent, but more on this later) which made it a burning desire for me to play it as of my will.

Those days we used to have these video games parlour. Everyday returning from school I used to stand there watching others play. It was fun to watch but more to play. But there was a problem. I didn't have money to play and also playing in those parlours was strictly prohibited in my house.

You know what I did? I stole money from my house. From under the bed. I remember, it was a 2 rupee coin which would have fetched me 15 minutes of playtime. But it was the most my guts to go for. And 5 rupees were out of question.

So I stole the money, played for 15 minutes with a guilt settling worth of 1000 rupees in my heart. I felt guilty but was at the same time excited of doing something that I had never done before. In excitement I told it to the child of one of our neighbours. He was of my age (he still is and we are brothers you know, will write a separate one on this later).

So I told him all that I did and what can you expect from a class 3 boy to do in return? Well he turned out to be more intelligent than me. He “blackmailed” me. He told he will tell everything to my mom if I won't steal more money and go to play with him. I knew it was wrong but when fear looms over you, you don't do much but comply to its demands. I did the same.

I stole. First 5, then 10, then 50 and then 100. It was all going up in progression. What could a class 3 boy knows but to hide from fear. I knew guilt. I was trapped in a swamp but I knew the way out. So I went for it.

One night under tremendous pressure of blackmailing, while in bed with mom, I told her. I had stolen these amount of money and was very afraid to tell her all. I confessed everything in the fear of how she will react, but with hope of a positive outcome. She just said, “none else, not even your sisters have ever done anything like this”. She was disappointed but she didn't scold me instead she slowly ruffled my hair to sleep while I curled into her bullet- proof protection where I felt nothing in this whole world can touch me.

The next while playing cricket on the roof. He told me in signs that he will tell my mom. And at that time a unforeseen confidence rushed through me. And I told him, “do it”. I felt strong and revitalised.

Eventually he didn't do it though.

From this event I learnt a very useful lesson in my life that instilled itself deep into my heart.

“if no one else is there, there are you parent, always with open arms to hold you through, being your strength. Just be for them always with honesty and truth”.

So, for all this I lied my mother, instead of asking her for money in honesty I took the shortcut to play, but eventually I learnt , I can never hide the truth.

“Lie is not the absolute antonym of truth. Lie can't destroy truth. It can only hide it, but not change. Even under thousand of lies truth lives and beats with all vigour. You just have to dig it out for yourself”.

There is no shortcut to success, but there is a lie for every shortcut. How much the problem may difficult be, answer is the truth. The shortcut is to evade it with a lie. Yet at the end, truth prevails.

Me and myself: The unchangeable change

Things change. Sometimes beyond our control in ourselves, sometimes in others. Though we may like it or not. They just do.

This elicits a very important point for everyone if tracked the behavior of change. “It is dynamic and out of our control”. We can't stop “change” from “changing” just like we can't stop time from moving ahead. It's a universal truth that at some point of our life we all have to realize. But the most important part it is to “remember” it and then never forget.

To me time has shown many faces of itself in the recent past. On some instances it has made me think of myself. Sometimes others. But mostly myself.

Sometime earlier I knew myself and others enough to conclude that I am different. I am different from the rest of the society. I used to be highly self-restraint and thoughtful over petty things which I observed normally people ignoring. But I couldn't.

My mistake? I faltered at thinking what normally people do is what makes them normal people. I was the odd man out who in every step of his life has to fight or camouflage persistently to be a part of the “traditional family picture”. You know, no one wants to be drawing an emotion on his face different than the rest.

So it was my quest now. To become a normal person. (You won't believe, at one time I even thought I was not a human. Getting the point of my screwed up brain???)

I knew how normal people were. I was full on with my research. I felt superior to normal people on all those levels where it counts. But that's the err. I couldn't figure it out that I am a perfectly normal person myself and that too with a demeanor that commands respect like only other few notable public faces.

In the emotional part of my life, my behavior was unlike anyone else. Very different. I always knew I was a highly sensitive and emotional person. And that was something I had always tried to keep in control since the time my understanding about people popped wings.

It was just those events that usually affected people emotionally never affected me in the same way. You question yourself if this is the way how you should feel encountering such a situation. It feels worse when you feel it makes you a cold person.

Company of dissimilar people also hurt or sometimes it brings that person from within you from which you have been running all this time. That highly emotional and sensitive personality who can't survive the wrath of this present day.

What could have happened? I was ripped off from within with surprising force and meticulous deceit.

There was a time I used to console others in problem when they asked me, “Why this happened with me?”. I used to say, “it happens, cause it is happening”. Today I have none to say that to me but me.

Though I have crossed the addictive waterfall of great immense fury, yet I have to find a bank to land on.

I dream for a day in which a cute little sparrow comes chipper, to support the directionless floating twig (me) picking it for its nest.

Me and myself, right now

If you ask me why I am behaving like this, I have only one answer, I have lost a control that had kept me ticking in the worst of situations. A control that inspired me to go past the hurdles of a future. Today when I don't have it, I feel blind.

I am also alone, none to show me the way in this darkness. Still I am hanging on cause I believe time is the substance that heals the wound no matter how deep they find shelter inside your head. At a time when I am badly indecisive I have decided to keep my faith intact in it. But I guess it's my patience that has really been brutally raped under the circumstances that prevailed in my recent past.

Today I was reading something about "Writer's block", it was informative. I got to know that why I am suffering at least if not about writer's block. The time I lost myself was a time you can call the "golden ere" of my life. I was out right confident about whatever I was doing and was going to do. I knew people, loved them, carried myself in the utmost dignified manner and all without a trace of self-doubt.

In those levels of mental self-content you get inspiration from the silliest of words to pen down a few words for it. At that I time I was sure I knew myself and to an extent in which I can say, I also could read people. Knowing others starts from knowing yourself well and I knew myself very well. Of course unlike today.

I don't know what will bring me solace. May be a cry of white crystal tears or a helping hand on my shoulder from behind, but I know one thing for sure, it is sometimes now a days very difficult for me to understand how things work. Something I used to understand with reliable fluidity. I acknowledge that today is severely harsh on my emotional health but time outstretches hands for a future definitely better than this as evidenced by my own will and left self belief.

"Right now I am just that plank of wood that floats on the surface of a river, uncontrolled, in search of the bank."

Imaginations of a Lazy Mind

People say, “An ideal mind is a devil's workshop.” Does this mean I have been taken over by a devil? Who knows?

Sitting on a lazy day never seemed this lazy when time crawl with a speed incompetent even to a snail and mind circling over images that can't be processed with the loose wires of this brain.

Even the headache takes a fervent route to provide the best it can and eyes falling down under its own weight regardless of a sleep.

I wonder, what is the use of such a state that the nature has created? I mean what would happen if in such a time something bad occurs? You don't have the will to move a single muscle, just a state of open paralysis.

You are in an operation theatre, and your head is all dizzy. The images the eye catches blur midway and you invite the merciless headache trying to focus hard in order to improve the contrast over the blur and see through it.

The green blurry walls, with green curtains surrounding you all through. Blurry faces with projections like tentacles giving out words. And your ears can catch only the sound but not a single word as the words are inseparable while passing through your ears.

You want to lift your hand, and open your eyes but you can't. You try harder but something is blocking you. Like a heavy weight is sitting over you preventing every movement you wish to make.

But then your eyes clear out and your brain receive crystallized images, of RED. Your whole body is soaked with red blood, your own blood. And you are simply paralysed. You want to scream but can't help yourself enough even to push out some air out of your mouth.

Tiredness takes over and you calm down feeling the rush of hot blood within your chest and hands and shoulders. You are defeated and you accept your defeat. The only choice is to surrender. But surrender to whom? Soon this question also loose its meaning and you just want tdeath. You just want to die.

The time has come, for your last breath to take its route into you, the path is traced and you can feel it.

It rustles through your nostrils down to your cavity above the windpipe where is leaves a cool sensation. Now it enters your windpipe with a jerking feeling. Then the air fills your lungs up to it's full potential and a wave of current flows through your body. And suddenly the last breath of air is exhaled out, in a split second not giving ample time to register in your mind.

Then everything is a prolong muted silence.

.

.

.

.

.

Are you dead?

Or have just waken up?

To see a world beyond a world of imagination. Welcome to this world where air exists on your own will and you see time ahead of time.

Your devil is now gone as you wear the meaning of “abstract” over your vaporised body.

You never died. Did you?

An Encounter with Love

Why do the moon shine? And sun? And what about the stars? Do they also dream for someone in their life? If shining is their way to attract their soul mate then I think I am attracted. Can I get a chance to touch the sun, as its companion? I want to, for this life has nothing left to share except for grief which has welled my once Emerald eyes with unending volume of tears. Weeping no longer seems enough a trick to get rid of the guilt.



But when you fall in love with the pain it becomes nostalgia and you can not afford to leave it. It's your one and the only way to live. A life where smile seems a pretence hard earned to emit the outer world and love seems falling short within the boundaries of sorrow confining your own invisible world.



Such has become my life. People say when you are sad, again remember the good times, smile will retouch your lips. But when all good memories return guilt and tears to these eyes, sadness seems the better way to deal with it all.



What do people do for love? What did the eternal Romeo and Juliet do for it? I am no Juliet, but I remember I was a Juliet in my own little world and you, my Romeo. I was happy with all the smiles and a restless heart to fetch the slightest of your glimpse to sooth these eyes for an earnest while.



Days seemed so cheerful and night seemed so romantic. All the while time loosing its meaning on our fervent meeting under the lone Oak tree amidst the endless lush of green meadow.



Days turned to night without the slightest of hint. Me the selfish in your selfless arms. And those unsettling penetrating glares, the quivering touch and those tender kisses, redefining love every moment.



I can never thank you enough for you have fused this practical inhuman with so much of humanly emotions that even today it flows as your tears. These tears are your gifts, a gift I can't let anyone take away from me. For the love that was so pure, for the love that cured.



I remember it all clearly, crystal as it seems.



One fine day I asked you something today I regret the most. I asked you whilst your eyes pierced deep into mine as usual, “How much do you love me?”



Suddenly your concentrating furrowed eyebrow jumped up your head and you sat up. You remained silent for a second as if deciding something. Then you again fixed your sharp eyes on mine. At last your sweet honey dipped tone sang, “How much do you love me?”



I reflexed a smile, and said, “So much so that death has lost its value. I love you so much that my death is not a much loss for me anymore.” All this came out with an assured confident smile of burning love.



I could hear your voice out of clinched teeth, “Don't.” A face of stone.



“Ok ok. Now you tell me how much do you love me?”



“Me?”(pause). “Hmmm..., lets see... I love you so much so that, if time comes that you would be happy if I leave you, I will leave you.”



I had cried profusely after that and you never consoled me, as if you knew the day would definitely come and I should be prepared for it. You were slowly preparing me for a day without my knowledge of getting prepared.



Even today I wonder what did I do to deserve you, even for those short blessed moments. Why did you love me so much?



I can never forget you, for you come into me with each of my inspire. Every beat my heart registers, now signs your name. Every dream, every colour now painted with you. And me, drenched with the gleefully collected dew that you called love.



My Love.